Beating Bipolar: Do What You Don't Want To Do

It is a sad reality that life is full of things we don’t want to do and mentally-different or no, this is something with which we have to deal.

And it’s even sadder to know that people with bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses have a much longer list of things they don’t want to do than the average person. And, of course, ironically, the mentally ill are typically the least-equipped to deal with such things.

But beating bipolar disorder, or any mental illness, means doing what you don’t want to do, pretty much all the time.

What Don’t You Want to Do?

Anything. Everything. Many people with a mental illness would prefer to do nothing most of the time. This is thanks to medication, apathy, depression, anhedonia and a series of other things.

But “nothing” isn’t a terribly productive state. “Nothing” doesn’t move you forward in life. “Nothing” doesn’t pay the bills.

So “nothing,” while alluring, isn’t really useful.

Do What You Don’t Want to Do

So here’s the thing, no matter how much you don’t want to do something, you have to do it anyway.

• Doctor’s appointment? Definitely don’t want to, but need to.
• Prescription refill? Hate standing around in drug stores but have to.
• Remembering to take meds? Hate side effects but need them.
• Work? I’d rather sleep but I need the money.
• Sleep schedule? Hate being so regimented but it keeps me sane.
• Socializing? Don’t want to but need to see my friends.

And so on and so forth. Days are filled from the time you don’t want to take your meds until the time you don’t want to go to bed with things you don’t want, and wish you didn’t have to do.

Why Bother?

I know that doing what you don’t want sounds like a really depressing message but really it’s just standing up to an illness that wants you to turn into a sick, crazy rock and saying, “no!” Really it’s just standing up to bipolar and saying that you won’t let it win. Really you’re just saying that you are more powerful than the mixed up messages coming from your brain.

So you bother because bothering means beating bipolar back. You bother because you’re better than the bipolar. You bother because you won’t let your life be dictated by chemicals that you can’t control.

You bother because by doing what you don’t want to do, you can turn your life into something that works. And one day you will want it again. Until then you just have to keep going until you do.

Bipolar Disorder and Creativity

Recently, I have gotten comments about how if famous artists with mental illnesses had of been medicated, we would have no art today. For some odd reason their go-to example is always Vincent Van Gogh. Without his untreated mental illness, they argue, Van Gogh wouldn’t have been the great artist we know him to be today.

Right then. Let’s all go off our meds and paint. And chop off our ears.

Creativity and Mental Illness

There is no doubt that having a mental illness makes you see things in a new way. I know I can see things in ways that others can’t. It’s both a benefit and a dramatic hindrance. I’m constantly dealing with people looking at me in odd ways as they try to wrap their head around whatever-the-heck logic my thoughts are trying to make. It’s no easy feat.

But that’s not necessarily all the bipolar. That’s creativity. I was creative before I was bipolar, before I was medicated. And I’m creative now, on psych medication.

Creativity and Mania

I have had manic times where I have written and written and written and written. Thousands and thousands of words pour out of my skull. And they are brilliant.

Or at least, so I think at the time.

Manic (and hypomanic) people think they are brilliant. Think they are unbelievably talented and creative. Think they are genius. It doesn’t mean they actually are.

Creativity and Psychiatric Medication

Since being on psych meds, I have written thousands of pages. Thousands. Some for school, some not, but many fairly laudable and creative. Believe it or not folks, I do have talent and that talent hasn’t magically been removed because of the medication.

Of course, if I’m too depressed because of the bipolar to get off the couch, that has a rather adverse effect on producing anything, talented or not.*

But so you don’t agree with me. You have personally found you’re brilliant off meds and not on. OK. Fine. And maybe you think you’d be willing to part with your ear to be Van Gogh. OK. Fine.

Artists, Psychiatric Medication and Death

But you might want to keep in mind some truly brilliant people who killed themselves due to mental illness, including Van Gogh whose depression worsened over the course of his lifetime, making him unable to paint, leading to his suicide at the age of 37.

And then there are other famous artists dead from suicide:

• Sylvia Plath, suicide at 30
• Kurt Cobain, suicide at 27
• Ernest Hemingway, suicide at 62 (and just in case you’re doubting genetics, his father, brother and sister also committed suicide)
• Diane Arbus, suicide at 48 (both a drug overdose and slashed wrists)
• Arshile Gorky, suicide at 44
• Alexander McQueen, diagnosed anxiety and depressive disorders, suicide at 41
• Virginia Woolf, suicide at 59, part of her suicide note to her husband:

I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. . . I don’t think two people could have been happier ’til this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. . . I can’t read.

And a whole bunch of other talented people both known and unknown who had their lives cut short by suicide.

And my guess is the loved ones of every single one of those people wish treatment had of been available for /used by their loved ones.

Psych Medication Destroys Creativity and Art

So if your medications damper your creativity, I am sorry, but you really need to continue with your medication. because you know what really kills your creativity?

Death.

*There’s a study showing this but I seem to have misplaced it.

I’m not saying it’s never the case that medication inhibits creativity, just that it’s a poor argument and misses some of the fundamental reasons why people get treatment in the first please.
Creative people have publically stated they are in treatment for a mental illness. Including Patty Duke, “She says that she’s more creative now because she can organize a thought.”

Breaking it Down: Mania.

I can feel the post-depression-bounce-back mania beginning in my brain; not in my body, only in my brain. Manic symptoms started yesterday evening. Things started seeming clear, perhaps just a little too clear, and certainly a little too fast. Bipolar fast. I could suddenly rap all of Look at Me Now by Chris Brown completely from memory, I wrote a new poem completely from scratch, I planned a double date with a boyfriend I don't have, and I decided on the names of all my children. Rapid fire thoughts, manic thoughts, are slowly taking over.


A Manic Bipolar


“Are you ready for a miracle? Ready as I can be.” “Why is this grass so green? It must be watered.” “So tell me, do you think not responding to emails is rude?” “It’s about a ten minute walk that way.” “The opening scene should contain a description of my balcony.” “Are you ready for a miracle? Set yourself free.” “No it should be a cutting scene. With a knife, no an exacto-blade, no, a razor blade. Which part to cut the wrist, the ankle, the thigh…” “Are you ready, ready, ready for a miracle?”


A Manic Bipolar, Looking Crazy


Fast, frantic, and fragmented are the words of the manic day. Much of the above is muttered out loud as I walk across the grass making me look crazy. Yes, I understand the ridiculousness of that statement. A bipolar crazy. Imagine that. My body still has not recovered from the depression I'm coming out of though (p.s. that's why I haven't posted. I haven't done much of anything. sorry). I feel like I weigh 12,000 pounds. Not as bad as yesterday. Not as bad as the day before. Those not-as-bad-depression are the good things to think about.


Manias Are Paid for in Depressions


The bad thing to think about is the idea that, as a bipolar, for every moment that I spend manic I can expect to spend at least one corresponding moment depressed. And sometimes, that ratio is probably closer to 1:10 mania to depression. Although, I am irregular and I cycle a lot more quickly than other bipolars do, usually more manic than depressed. But I haven’t even gotten over the last depression yet. Right, a highly unpleasant thought.


Mania is not GOOD and depression is not BAD. They are just two sides of the bipolar coin, that can flip at any time.

Breaking it Down: Exhaustion.

“Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”

Life is pain.

Or, at least, it can be. I’ve found that during severe episodes every breath, is, in fact, pain. There is nothing else. Just pain or unconsciousness. I prefer unconsciousness.

Being Awake

The trouble is, depression is horrendously painful. It is the pain that makes pain scream. And there tends to be nowhere to hide. Depression checks behind rocks, it seems.

And the thoughts or the lack of thoughts that go with that depression haunt every blink. This ridiculous struggle not to die moment after moment. Don’t slit your wrists. Don’t overdose. Don’t jump off a building. It’s all so entirely exhausting.

Being Asleep

But being asleep is different. Somehow, in my dreams, I am never in the agony of depression. Somehow in my dreams I’m normal. I fall in love. I smile. I do the impossible. I feel happy. I have no idea how my brain manages it. But somehow it doesn’t register the pain.

And flickering in and out of sleep is almost as glorious. It’s just enough unconsciousness to drone out the angry, hateful voices and yet enough consciousness to enjoy it. It’s your brain, on sleep.

So I’m Tired, A Lot

And so I find the lure of sleep to be that of a siren. Something that calls to me with inescapable tone. Why would I ever want to live in a world where the air is acid when I can simply lay my head on goose down feathers and close my eyes?

And knowing this, I feel very, very tired. It’s true, depression will make a person tired regardless, but I suspect my mind, knowing of the relief of sleep, urges its presence rather strongly.

And while I know it’s difficult to get work done or clean the kitchen while asleep, it’s so much better than many of the other options. When asleep, my heart, my wrists, my bones are intact. Not getting any better. But not getting worse. And not getting dead. That’s something.

Fighting the Unseen Enemy

One of the problems with mental illness is that it’s invisible. As I’ve heard many times, “You don’t look sick.”

Well of course I don’t. You’re not looking at an fMRI.

And because we don’t “look” sick, our illness moves into the “not real” category. Bipolar, the unreal illness, the imagined one.

And it’s even worse because others will tell you that mental illness doesn’t exist.Other’s will confirm your worst fears and tell you what the tiny, horrible voice in your head has been saying – you’re just imagining you’re ill. Really, bipolar disorder doesn’t exist at all.

But of course the voice is wrong and so are the ignorant people – bipolar is as real as it painfully, awfully, grippingly gets.

But that doesn’t make it visible. And its invisibility makes it all that much harder to fight.

Fighting the Enemy

People would argue about characterizing bipolar disorder as an enemy, but I say anything that keeps trying to kill me is enemy enough for my lexicon. And make no mistake; bipolar constantly tries to make sure I stop breathing air.

And I know any force that’s trying to take the life from me is an enemy. It is the thing to fight. It’s the monster in the closet or the vampire in the cemetery. I know it’s what I have to stand up to in order to continue my human existence.

Bipolar – The Invisible Enemy

But it’s invisible. And kind of like the superhero keeps punching into nothingness when trying to fight an invisible foe, fighting the invisible mental disorder is equally tough. It’s easy to forget how real it is. It’s easy to stop remembering that it is not you. It’s easy to start thinking that it’s all “in your head.”

I Visualize the Bipolar

So I visualize the bad guy. I put shape and form and colour to the enemy to better see it as outside myself. To better see it as the thing to fight, and not simply a messy part of me. The bipolar is over there. I can see it. Not in here. Over there.

This makes me stronger. This makes me more able to fight that which I know I must. This helps me keep bipolar in its place and outside my Meghan, outside my head.

And it reminds me that I don’t want to kill myself. Bipolar wants to kill me. And that change in perspective makes all the difference in the world to the girl holding the razorblade.

Breaking it Down: Anger.

I'm going to start a "Breaking it Down" series. Breaking down Bipolar into more manageable sections, dealing with each specific emotion, one at a time. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.(: Remember, I'm going through this too.

When you have bipolar disorder, anger is an emotion that is very easy to give in to. It tends to be the most common emotion and it’s usually what most emotions end up being displayed as. 

Anger allows you to deflect your own emotions and convey it to someone else. Let me explain. When you are angry, you take it out on someone else. It relieves your own tension and allows you to see another person as the cause of the problem rather than dealing with the real issue and your own true emotions. You “fool” yourself into believing that you don’t have a problem. You believe others really are the problem. It’s a coping mechanism.

For those of you who have friends and family who have bipolar disorder, this may help to explain angry outbursts. Just because they seem to be angry with you does not mean that they truly are. It could be something that isn’t related to you at all and yet you may feel the brunt of it simply because you are near. The person may indeed be angry but they could also be sad, hurt, overwhelmed, tired, or confused. Sometimes it may be helpful to step back and try to identify the root of the problem and possibly find ways to resolve the issue together. Knowing that the person is not really upset with you may help to soften the blow a bit and may help you to better understand their actions.

(Warning: Do not attempt to rationalize with someone who is enraged or becoming violent. Remove yourself from the situation and allow the person to calm down.)

At the moment, anger is my biggest issue. Quite often, this is the case. I am starting to see it as a red flag. When it gets out of control, it means I am covering up other emotions. I am now at that point. I know what I am trying to cover up. Depression is starting to set in and this is how I fight it off. Eventually, it will consume me if I don’t deal with it.

Here are some things I have learned that help offset the anger:

-Find out the underlying causes of the anger. Are you really angry? Or are you cycling, or masking your other emotions?

-Talk it out. This can be difficult, as some people really just don't understand what having bipolar is like. Go to a support group. Talk to your therapist. Find a close friend who is willing to listen, but not judge.

-Do something relaxing. When I start to feel angry, I take a nap. I paint. I draw. I write. I watch a movie. I cook. I bake. Find something, or a list of somethings(:, that work for you. Distract yourself until you feel better about approaching and dealing with the situation.

-STAY AROUND PEOPLE. Your main instinct at this point is going to be to isolate. If you're not around anyone else, they can't get hurt, right? Wrong. When you're feeling like this, that's when people get hurt. That's when self-injury occurs. You need to be around people. Your family. Your friends. Call someone on the phone. Just don't isolate.

And, as always, I'm here for you.(: Email me (dancingthroughthepain@hotmail.com.) and we'll talk. You can get through this.(: I promise.

Side note: If you're a caretaker of someone with bipolar (parent, friend, etc.) and you have any suggestions for dealing with anger, please let me know. I've never had to deal with anyone with bipolar except myself.(: Thank you!!

I am poem.

I think I'm going to have a challenge to to everyday. I'm going to do them too, don't worry, but I think this will help you and I.

For today's challenge, we are writing I am poems. An I am poem teaches us something about ourselves, and also helps those around us learn more about what and who we are. We are all here because we have bipolar. But what else are we? 

I wrote mine as an example. If you end up loving your example, send it to me! I'd love to read it and learn more about you. dancingthroughthepain@hotmail.com.

Who Am I Poem

I am eating marshmallows hidden under my bed.

I am playing the piano when I’m stressed.

I am singing at the top of my lungs when no one is around.

I am going crazy at school dances, and just having fun.

I am only crying in the shower.

I am proud to be an American.

I am making lists, and checking things off.

I am staring at the stars and hoping for a falling one.

I am watching lightening out my bedroom window, and not being able to sleep until the storm is over.

I am the polka dots that cover my bedroom.

I am spending 23 minutes on Facebook at 2 o’clock in the morning.

I am an over-achiever.

I am having things come out of my mouth that I don’t think through.

I am watching Disney Channel and Cinderella movies in my “spare time”.

I am CSI, Criminal Minds, and America's Next Top Model.

I am a lot of good ideas, and high aspirations.

I am printing double sided to save the earth.

 I am wearing a tutu to the Winter Masquerade, just because I could.

I am a hopeless romantic.

I am decorating my binders 2 months before school starts.

I am pink and yellow streamers that cover my house for my sweet 16.

I am the enthusiastic maker of Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches, although I am allergic to peanuts.

I am learning new words by reading the dictionary.

I am Camelot and Shakespeare.

I am pearl in Welsh.

I am my grandmother’s number one granddaughter.

I am a bit overly dramatic.

I am not being able to form logical sentences.

I am the world’s pickiest eater.

I am heart broken…

I am getting over the loss of two really great friends.

I am making some really great new ones.

I am staying up until one in the morning doing homework on the second day of school.

I am banana milkshakes after dinner.

I am glitter in my veins and hot pink, through and through.

I am homemade root beer and barbequed corn with all my friends.

I am kinda crazy, a little loud, sometimes obnoxious, a little out there, but, all in all,

I am just me.